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27th Jan 2012 -  'Eff'in' Flies - Back to the bathroom full of flies
I live out in the country in an old farm house so we have beautiful views over the hilly fields and we see lots of wild animals, deer, rabbits, badgers and lots of big birds (and I don't mean fat chicks) to name a few. But it's the effin rats that are pissin’ me off. One or more have gotten into the house and to start with they had found a way into the attic so at night when I was trying to get to sleep the little effin thing would start to scratch. God only knows how big this thing must be as the scratching is so loud it’s what I imagine that I would sound like if I woke up after I had been accidentally buried alive.

So a couple of weeks ago I'm sat in my kitchen googleing one of the many strange things I like to use search engines for when this effin great rodent pops out from under the kitchen cupboards and just sits there staring at me. Well firstly I shit myself but once I could control myself I got off the stool and started to approach it not really knowing what I was going to do when I got there. Thoughts flashing through my head....grab a frying pan and smash the little bastard then I though of the knife block that holds all of my best kitchen knives (I like to cook) I have a 12 inch chef’s knife in there so I thought grab the knife and stab the buck tooth fucker but then I thought that's a £120 knife that I will never use again because it's covered in the guts of evil. Now at this point he had spotted my un-stealth like approach and bolted back under the cupboard. I lost this time but his end is near.

So for the past two weeks redneck rat has evaded capture but still managed to keep me awake most nights with his relentless efforts of digging into my bedroom. So I thought I'd get some poison and some head crushing vermin traps to catch the rat bastard. I set the traps, laid out boxes of poison and still for another 2 weeks nothing. Then on the third week this god awful smell started to appear in my bathroom. I mean this smell, it's bloody terrifying, it's what I think I'm gonna smell like if they don't find me scratching in this box sometime soon but it's dead, at last I win, at least that's what I thought. Anyway I thought the smell would die down after a couple of days and it did...only after it got so bad I thought my eyes were supposed to be crying all of the time, it was like peeling onions.

So now with the smell just at a faint whiff of the death I thought, there we go, all sorted, it's decomposed and gone.

Not so soon... this little effin thing wasn't done with me yet.

The flies, that look like they have come from the prehistoric period are here, oh my god! I thought Heathrow had opened a new terminal in my bathroom, the size of the things and noise they make. So in I went in my homemade hazmat suit which consists of a winter scarf wrapped around my head a black bin bag with holes cut for my arms, a shower cap and a set of safety goggles with a pair of rubber gloves, a toilet brush to defend myself and three full cans of fly spray. I unloaded a full can and then another and ran outta there dry heaving all the way. I came back an hour later and there was about 30 of these 747 size flies laid out on the window sill and floor. So gross. Now this has been going on for about a week and they are slowly backin off.

So here's me thinking this story is over and I come down stairs in the morning to find that all the draws in my kitchen have been decimated by another one of these things. For a moment I dropped to my knees and cried (not really but that's how I felt). So I checked the trap which I had laid a couple of weeks before and it was still sat there with its killer jaws wide open waiting for its un-expecting pray, I decided to add a little chocolate to try and temp the sewer dwelling, long tailed, big toothed (not my neighbour) furry fuck in there.

A  few more food items disappeared from the kitchen overnight and I still hadn't got him. I came down this morning looked under the cupboard and there it was DEAD!!! In the trap DEAD!!! It's the best god damn morning I've had in years. Its pokey little face FUBAR (‘fucked up beyond all recognition’ for future reference). Now I’ve got poppa rat I’m going to hunt down his family this weekend. Beware Rat Bastards I’m on a MISSION!!! and plan on serving Ratatouille for Sunday lunch, or maybe I'll give it to my neighbours.

26th Jan 2012 -  'Eff'in' Roadworks
Roadwork’s, the bane of my life. Just outside my brother’s house they have the biggest hole dug in the side of the road that I've ever seen, it's so big they have a full sized JCB down the hole digging it out even deeper. I'm sure that if I fell down it I would fall out the other side Chinese, mines a 69.

Today the traffic lights are not working so there's some big sweaty dirty dude guiding me through at the same time his mutant twin at the other side of the traffic lights is doing the same. He sends me straight into the oncoming traffic, freakin idiots! So it's the stare down with the other wide eyed driver as to who is going to give way, not me because that endless hole that they are digging is right behind me and it's to early in the morning for a char sui chow mein. Eventually the muppet in front gives in and reverses. I pass him and he has the nerve to pretend he's wiping a large pole with his right hand. Wanker!!


25th Jan 2012 - My 'Eff'in'Mornin
So I woke up this morning to find it raining yet again, great start to my ‘effin’day - NOT!!  
I go to the Bathroom full of flies (which I'll tell you about another day) to do my usually morning routine, a brush, a spit and a spray of deodorant – done.

Downstairs for a sweet but strong black coffee.
Now here come the kids, one by one they come into the kitchen, some dressed ready for school, some not. They want breakfast. Cereal, toast and one of them asks for biscuits, after a mini debate trying to reason with an 8 year old girl over why you shouldn't eat that crap first thing in the morning she decides to go without.


I pack my bag with all the stuff I need for the day. RED BULL!!! Shout the eldest of the clan then out the door to my car.  Shit – I forgot to, back inside, downstairs toilet push, squeeze, nip and wipe. Right out to the car.

It's sits there filthy dirty, covered in all the shite that the winter can throw at it, just begging to be cleaned. It's old but it's mine. My little red Alfa. We get in the car and it's off to battle with the morning onslaught of school traffic and all the mothers who don't look where they are going cause they have to deal with the kids shouting and fighting in the back seat.
People driving these days really press my buttons beyond belief. I stop and flash my lights to let the oncoming mother pass in her oversized and completely unnecessary four wheel drive monster truck and not even a thank you wave or a smile aimed in my direction, maybe there was a slight snarl there but I'm not quite sure. Now for the miserable bus driver that I see every single morning, never giving way to anyone and what pisses me off most is that he won’t even look me in the eye to see my absolute rage at his total fucking rudeness. At last I drop my eldest off at school.

From school to work I drive down the most pothole ridden road on the friggin planet, why can't they fix it!! As I said before my car is old and it can't keep taking the rigors of this off road course someone has classed as a road (what a joke), now the mommy monster trucks start to make sense.

Right now the whole world has pissed me off again I’m ready for work and to answer the same old stupid questions these numbnut ebayers consider relevant when purchasing A £0.99 set of headphones.

7th Jan 2012 - 'Eff'in' Exercise
So I'm 35 with a small but embarrassing to drunk to f*#k beer belly. I hate it but couldn't be arsed to do anything about it until now.

So I decided to start a new excise program, running, weights and rowing. It's just ridiculous to think that this can be doing me any good, my heart is racing like and formula 1 cars eight pistons at full throttle, it feels like my feet have been nailed to the floor because I can't lift them without help and I'm friggin knackered.

A couple of my friends are what people would call fitness fanatics; one thinks he's Jean Claude Van Damme and his wife well... she’s... just Damme ugly.

This is a hard-on(e) to swallow, scientists  can make a pill that gives you an almost instant erection but they can't make one that can make the other unused muscles in my body big and hard??? So it's back to the gym to get ripped... That's my shorts when I bend over to pick up the dumbbells (clever name, DUMBbells).

I think I'd prefer to just use a gym sock for exercise. It burns calories gives my arms a good work out and feels great after I’ve finished. Anyone for a beer, it is S-S-Saturday after all.

1st Jan 2012 - 'Eff'in' New Year
So it New Year’s day and I'd like to write the usual cliché bollocks about waking up with the mother of all hangovers, having had the best party of the year last night but I'd be lying. The truth is I had a pretty shitty night, which got me to thinking about what I should do with this whole new 2012 year that is in front of me, so this is what I've come up with, write a blog about my everyday shitty life, share it with the world and let you laugh at my self-pity.

 As I've never written anything before you will have to bear with me, everyone has to start somewhere.

People say it’s a New Year, a new day, life is in front of you and you should grasp it with both hands and make something happen, you could be dead tomorrow. What a load of Shite!!

This year is probably going to be as shit as the last 35 I've had to put up with. Don't get me wrong some of my life is pretty awesome, my wife, my kids but that's about it. (I should also mention "Bam" my dog. He's pretty cool).

Over the coming days and months (I would also like to add "years" but that's a little optimistic for me, as is months to be honest as I will probably get pissed off with this writing stuff down in a few days) I am going to try and use this blog to air my frustrations with life and the idiots that are a part of it or somehow make themselves a part of it. I hope you can enjoy it and learn to make yours better or just be glad that there are people out here like me to read about.

So what will I tell you? What am I thinking? What pisses me off the most about life?? Questions that I'd love to answer? Let me know if you want me to give my opinions on whatever.

Come back soon and use your stupid smartphones, computers or your fruit based machines to read and then ridicule my blog as you see fit. One thing for sure is the worst you can do is piss me off a little more. You never know one day you may make me LOL (Don't get me started with that abbreviated crap).

Enjoy or hate me, either way, I don't really give a shit.